Warrior Woman Strength Required

I didn’t feel a specific lump. I felt pain in my right breast when I slept on my side. My Mum has told me we are a lumpy family so of course, I felt around the usual density but couldn’t identify anything specific. Oh, and if I am being honest, I don’t know if anyone would call what I did a real “self exam”. Full of fear of what I might find, shaking, and holding my breath, I felt around clumsily and quickly. It hurt to do that, so I got it checked. Thank goodness for breast screening tools.

A mammogram, led to an ultrasound, which led to a biopsy. These tests landed me in the Breast Health Centre where I was told they found a tumor – lobular carcinoma. They told me that this type usually, “hides in the weeds and is difficult to detect” (bravo me), and therefore, difficult to determine its actual margins. It was estimated to be about 2 cm on the biopsy report, but they said they wouldn’t know for sure until they went in. So, when we talked about the options of having a lumpectomy with guaranteed radiation, or a mastectomy, it seemed crystal clear to me. I would have a mastectomy so they could get it all out. I thought, maybe I could even avoid subsequent treatments like chemotherapy and radiation if we got it all.

In addition, I was informed that reconstructive surgery was also an option. They could do the reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy. I thought to myself, of course I want reconstruction. I love my boobs. I love all my parts. And I want to keep them as in-tact as possible. The surgeon said, he would try to spare my skin and nipple but it would depend on him being able to remove the tumor with clear margins. I thought, okay, here is hoping I get to keep my nipple and it sounds like it can be a one and done process. I felt hope.

Next, they scheduled me to meet with a nurse educator to talk about reconstruction and the different options. She had expert knowledge. She was thorough and kind, but by the time we got to slide 25 in her 103 page deck, I couldn’t hear her anymore. All I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my ears and it felt like a boulder was sitting on my chest. It was hard to breathe and I wanted to puke. This was my first hit of reality in this journey. I cried.

The options for reconstruction were tricky to choose from – Autologous Tissue Free Flap reconstruction involves using your own tissue fat from your abdomen to make a new breast, or Implant reconstruction. Both options had pros and cons. I wasn’t keen on being cut from hip-to-hip so I was leaning towards Implant reconstruction. I was informed that radiation therapy can affect implants negatively, but I was honestly hanging on to the hope that I wouldn’t have to have subsequent treatments.

What knocked the wind out of me was that even though I would have my breast replaced and, God willing, my nipple spared, they wouldn’t look or feel the same. I thought a lot of thoughts after my education session. A lot of angry thoughts. Like…

Why don’t the post surgery implant reconstruction pictures look the same as women who have had breast augmentation done? I researched afterwards that unlike breast augmentation, in a mastectomy they don’t preserve any breast tissue. So, any wrinkling of the implant shows through because there is no tissue filler to smooth out the appearance between the implant and the skin.

And, what’s this about the nipple no longer functioning like normal? And, no sensation?! That’s why I like my boobs. It’s the sensation that they provide me that I love. The nerves are severed. Nothing is spared.

WTF!? Is this as good as it gets?! Who would dream up a reconstruction process without some way to keep the sensation in a woman’s breast? Looking “normal” with clothes on is one thing, but feeling whole and natural is what counts – for me anyway. I wonder if there are more advanced procedures out there that our system doesn’t know or advertise about? I started looking.

I didn’t have to look far before I found the answer I was hoping for...

RESENSATION

Resensation is a procedure they are doing in the US involving the grafting of nerves to potentially restore sensation in the breast. From what I could tell from my reading, resensation was performed with Autologous Tissue Free Flap reconstruction. And there were many stories that showed that women could be free of cancer and feel like their old selves. I thought, okay, I’ll go with the cut in my abdomen to get sensation in my breast. Heck yes!

I felt energized, empowered and ready for my next appointment where I would meet and talk with the plastic surgeon. However, I was self aware that I might feel self conscious and shy to talk to some good looking, cocky, male doctor about breast sensation. So, I knew I would have to muster my warrior woman strength for this occasion and look amazing too.

I'll let you know what followed!

With so much love,

Shannon Rae